Finish your homework or get a good night’s sleep?

Note from the editor:

On Oct. 10, questions and comments regarding this blog post circulated in comments on the post itself and throughout various social media. Before the editorial staff had the opportunity to discuss the concerns of readers, the author of the article deleted the post and its comments and replaced the post with a fake post. The editors of El Estoque removed the fake post and have decided to republish the original blog. We realize that, inevitably, published content may make some readers uncomfortable, especially given the nature of opinion and blogs. However, in this case, we determined that the discomfort of some readers with the style or nature of the post did not outweigh the value of this writer excersing his freedom of speech.

– Karishma Mehrotra, El Estoque Editor in Chief

At one point or another, every student at this school has been forced to chose between finishing homework and getting a good night’s sleep. On one hand, resting is important for the body and sleeping your full 3 hours will allow you to live a long healthy life, tortured by guilt and self-doubt. On the other hand, however, finishing homework will momentarily fill you with pride, save you from the wrath of your teacher, and when you die before your time from sleep deprivation, at least you will feel good about yourself. It is easy to see why so many students have difficulty choosing between the two options.Luckily, the problem has a simple solution: kill yourself by jumping off of a bridge.Far superior to the other options of doing homework and sleeping, jumping off of a bridge and dying offers numerous short and long term benefits.

Health Benefits
Studies have shown that people who have jumped off a bridge and died end up leading much healthier lives than the general population. They have almost no risk of contracting diseases, have lower-than-average blood pressures, and are almost never obese. These people are psychologically healthier as well: dead people are almost never depressed. Taking the leap also leads to a healthier lifestyle: those people are always swimming.
While being dead may be inconvenient when planning parties and playing video games, death is only a minor quibble when compared with the new, healthier lifestyle that you can achieve by jumping off of a bridge.

Environmental Benefits
Scientists tell us that overpopulation is scouring the planet of its limited resources, and overfishing is depriving many higher-level marine predators of food. Typical. Scientists are always trying to worry the general population with “facts” and “data.” Why can’t they just shut up and keep to themselves? Luckily, jumping off of a bridge will fix this problem.
Scientists are always complaining about overpopulation, and you just know that these scientists were studious pupils in high school. If all students who faced the sleep vs. homework dilemma took the rationally superior route and jumped off a bridge, eventually there would be no scientists to complain about overpopulation and overfishing. And everybody knows if nobody is complaining a problem, then the problem does not exist.

It’s Fun
The final benefit people can gain from taking the initiative and jumping off a local bridge is the pleasure and thrill of the jump; it is even more fun than Great America. The moment you hop the handrail and begin to fall is one of pure bliss, with the salty ocean breeze rushing past your face and the sound of your parents screaming, “Please don’t jump!” tickling your ears.
Trust me, it must be fun. Nobody I know who has done it has ever complained.

At the end of the day, you don’t have to make the complex choice between choosing to finish your homework and getting a good night’s sleep. You don’t have to make that choice, because there is a superior option.

Take a leap of faith and soar beyond the crowd. The murky waters below are calling to you.

Warning: It might hurt.